


Lovecraft

by Venstar



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Lovecraftian Monster(s), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 12:47:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11418303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar
Summary: Who needs a useless white fluffy cat, when you can have a lovecraftian phallic shaped tentacle-monster as a pet?





	Lovecraft

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Castillon02](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castillon02/gifts).



> this evolved from a converstion with Castillon02 about the penis shaped torpedo that ate ships in Tomorrow Never Dies. For the 007 Fest. is this crack? maybe. i don't know what else to say about it.

007 had lead an interesting life. First, as a young boy rambling around the Scottish moors, then boarding school which, hello, he learned a hell of a lot more things than one should at that tender age. Especially how to...but that’s another story. University...meh, the Royal Navy? Hello, Sailor. 007 smiled at the fond memories, but he shook them away, because this, THIS took the cake. How was he going to explain this to Q.

Maybe he wouldn’t have to. Maybe he could hide it...no, Q was at his flat too often these days. Surely, he’d notice...I mean, if it were a Komodo dragon, Q would pout and then wonder if he could build something that would survive the digestive tract of said dragon and then try to tempt the dragon into eating it. It would be amusing. But this...he was not expecting this. He just needed to try and retrieve his gun, and back slowly away from the odd thing.

“Could I have my gun back?” Bond asked the creature quietly. Why was he talking to it...

It hummed and rolled around, it seemed...pleased. It shook its head at Bond.

“I’ll take that as a no.” He sighed. “That’s going to be the seventh one I’ve lost this year. Q’s not going to be happy about this. Are you sure I can’t have it back?”

The strange Lovecraftian phallic shaped monster, with tentacles...that he had accidentally broken out of it’s container, rolled up to him...and...spit out a bullet. One, bullet. Bond sighed, but he picked it up.

“Thanks.” Bond muttered.

He glanced at the body of the now dead archaeologist. They had entered the tomb together, but it looked as if Bond would be the only one exiting. “Story of my life.” Bond sighed, he stuck the bullet in his pocket. He froze, as the monster charged at him, he braced for impact, reaching for the knife in his ankle sheath, except, the monster just wound it’s way around him, cooing and patting at him. Horror descended upon Bond. “Oh no, no no no. No. No. Absolutely not can I take you home with me! Think of all the paperwork! Customs. No no.” He tried to peel the inky, fluid, tentacular monster off of him, but...tentacles and suction cups and too many arms with grippy things. “No means no. Off.”

The Lovecraftian thing curled itself around his neck and back and nudged at his chin, it purred and clicked. It was kind of cute.

“Oh God no. This is worse than a stray kitten.” Bond stared down at the thing wrapped around him. He held up the bullet and the thing batted at it. “Well. If it’s walthers and bullets you eat, I think, I shall be able to at least feed you. Come on. I’ll get a carrier, we’ll pretend you’re a dog.” He could have sworn the thing pretended to woof. “I don’t know what Q will say.”

The ride home was blessedly quiet, having pissed Q off by losing ANOTHER car, walther and archaeologist. He was actually on a freighter, which meant he had to work a bit as a shiphand, but that meant he could hide ‘Lovecraft’ as he had named it, in his cabin, in the foot locker. Lovecraft seemed happy there, eating bolts and rusted bits of machinery that Bond would feed to it. At night, when he read a ratty old novel he’d found somewhere, out loud, Lovecraft would wrap around his neck and chest, listening to him.

Whoops. Q was waiting for him at the docks. Bond watched as Q’s dark eyebrows disappeared into his wayward fringe, before settling back down heavily over his eyes, which didn’t miss a thing and latched onto the carry case in Bond’s hand.  
“Thought you ‘lost’ all of my EXPENSIVE equipment. Please tell me that’s not the remnants of the Aston. I’m an engineer and mechanic, NOT a miracle worker.” Q said, exasperated. He moved to snag the case, wanting to inspect the equipment he assumed was in there, but Bond’s hand stopped him.

“I lost all of the equipment and then a phallic shaped monster ate some of it. He’s in here...I mean it, I’m not sure what it is really.”

Q pulled himself up to his full height. “You’re not even trying for believable, are you 007? I can’t write that on your paperwork. Penis monster ate 007’s very expensive equipment, the end.”

“Well, if you can’t do it, I’m sure Moneypenny can. She’s quite competent.”

“And I’m not?” Q asked, his eyes widening. “Just for that, I’m writing it down and creating a presentation of how many times an agent has lost a weapon to a penis shaped monster...OH, ONE AND HIS NAME IS BOND, JAMES BOND.”

Bond laughed at Q’s huffiness. “Come along Q, and show me all the paperwork I have to fill out, and then take me home. I feel like a seabird dipped in tar. I need a shower.”

“You do smell.” Q’s adorable nose wrinkled.

“You could have sent Moneypenny, she’d have asked less questions and gotten me off her hands faster than you’re doing.” Bond laughed.

“Moneypenny, Moneypenny.” Q repeated in a sing song voice. “She won’t stop me from harassing you when she leaves.” Q obliged him though, and drove quickly to Bond’s flat, he kept eyeing the carry case, but he was too proud to ask what was really in it...if he was any sort of spying Quartermaster, he’d find out...soon.

Bond shut the door behind Q and ushered him inside. He released Lovecraft and was happy to note that he made straight for the trash and ate what was left inside. He didn’t miss Q’s gasp and the way he jerked to the side, knocking back into Bond.

“Good Lovecraft.” Bond laughed as he held onto Q. “He’s useful after all.”

“WHAT IS THAT?” Q screeched, nearly climbing Bond.

“Well, I didn’t find a cat to bring you this time, I did however find Lovecraft.”

“You brought home a...a...wait, did you say Lovecraft?” Q asked, horror and curiosity warring on his face.

“I did. The archaeologist and I uncovered him. I broke a jar when I threw my Walther at one of the tomb raiders we were up against. Lovecraft ate it, then smothered the tomb raiders. The archaeologist...well, you know what happened to him.” Bond’s voice trailed off.

“I’m sorry, James.” Q said, he squeaked afterwards, as Lovecraft rolled up and climbed them both. Q squeaked some more and clung to James as the tentacled beastie wrapped itself around both of their necks and backs.  
James laughed. “It’s alright, he does that. Good Lovecraft. This is Q, he belongs to me too.”

“Arse. Um...does it eat humans?” Q whispered.

“No, he mostly likes to eat junk. If you still have that old tin full of leftover screws, you can feed him a treat or two.”

At the sound of treat, Lovecraft let go of Q and slid off of James onto the floor and rolled around.

“See. He likes that idea.” James said.

Q edged around, until he found his tin of old screws, washers and nails. He threw one to Lovecraft and watched the little thing eat it up. He threw some more and laughed. “Amazing. Oh!” Q squeaked as Lovecraft climbed him all the way up until he was hugging his head. “James!” Q said, worry in his voice, but then Lovecraft started purring. “Oh. OH! He’s like a cat and he eats..nails and guns…”

“And bullets.”

“I think I like him. I suppose you want to keep him.” Q asked, trying to look stern, from under a headful of tentacles and a purring monster.

Bond leaned against the living room doorway. “I don’t know what else TO do with him. Come here, Lovey.” The inky mass climbed out of Q’s hair and rolled to Bond. “First things first, since we were on that god awful freighter, we need a good hosing off.”

Bond threw Lovecraft in the sink and gave him a good scrubbing. Q fed it a few more pieces of broken gear, as a reward for bath time, before Bond treated himself to his own wash. He was startled, when Lovecraft joined him mid-shower, but was soon laughing as the thing just rolled around, splashing and playing around his feet. “Well then.”

“I wonder if I could feed it failed prototypes?” Q asked through the shower curtain. “R is always going on about how much junk we’ve stored up now. OH!” Q exclaimed as a urr-grumble-eldritch-screech echoed through the bathroom. “Is that a good sign? AUGH!” Q yelled as a happy, rolling soapy tentacle monster latched itself to him. Lovecraft continued to screech...happily? That’s the only word Q could think of.

James snagged Lovecraft and rinsed him off. “Sounds like a good plan. Then maybe we can feed all the failed prototypes to him while your hapless minions watch. Like, if they get it wrong, and it had failed in the real field, I'd be dead. I’ll feed their prototype to my horror pet in front of them. Tell them to do better.”

“You do know that the goal of a prototype is NOT to break it.” Q said, reminding Bond of how the universe should work.

“Yes, but it’s much more fun to break things, isn’t it Lovecraft?” Bond cooed to the thing. He raised his voice and let it boom around the bathroom. “DO BETTER OR GET YOUR LIFE’S WORK FED TO THE ELDRITCH HORROR”

“I am not amused.” Q said.

“Your minions will love him.” Bond insisted.

And he was right, Lovecraft became the Q Branch mascot, adored by all he quadrupled in size from all the care and could no longer fit in Bond and Q’s flat, Lovecraft remained in the depths of Q branch, lurking and growling from the darkest corners. He once saved the day, the next time a loser of a second rate villain tried to infiltrate it, with a double-agent minion to steal secrets. Instead, Lovey ate him, gun and all.

The forces of evil plotters and planners talk about the Monster of MI6, that lurks in the depths of Q branch. People make the mistake and think it's actually Q, who is the monster and he just smiles his little smile.

“Let them think what they like, it suits my purpose.”


End file.
